Valentine's Day 2020

The beautiful flowers and card that my children gave me

the morning of February 14th, 2020.

Hard to believe, but this was my 2nd Valentine’s Day without my husband.  Gotta be honest, I feel like I did pretty good this year. There were a few tears, but I stayed focused on spreading love to all my family and friends that I still have in my life.  I also reminded myself that I am blessed to have had any time with Jeffrey...let alone 20+ years.  

I thought I would go out to the cemetery, but I didn’t.  Partly because it was super cold on Valentine’s Day. Really, it was cold the whole weekend.  Plus, the ground is covered in snow, so I wouldn’t be able to sit and hang out like I sometimes do.  But also because I don’t feel the need to go to the cemetery as often as I used to.  

I just think I have reached a point where I realize that he is with me everywhere I go.  I talk to him all the time, and I can hear his words/voice in my mind. When I am lying in bed at night, I feel like I can practically feel him laying next to me sometimes.  To the point that I move my feet towards him like I would if he were actually there. I will still go out to the cemetery, of course, but when I don’t, it isn’t because I’m not thinking about Jeff.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, and honestly, it would be exhausting to count the number of times that he runs across my mind in a day. Oh, but I am so thankful that he does!       

So, no cemetery, but I did write Jeff a little something on Valentine’s Day.  Here it is...

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven my love.  

I hear your voice in my head.  You are saying~

Hey there, Good lookin’!

Keep your chin up &

Keep on keepin’ on!

And that is what I will do.

I will press on.

I will let my light shine-Just as you always let your light shine.

I will carry our love forward--sharing it with our kiddos.

I feel blessed to have loved you & been loved by you.

Know that~

You are thought of...often.

You are missed...intensely.

You are loved...always.

On this special day, I cherish our memories.

The good times that bring a huge smile to my face, 

As well as the difficult times that we worked through and learned from.

All of our memories will be appreciated until the day we see each other again.

XOXO

To some it might seem silly writing to someone who won’t read it, but for me it is healing and helpful.  What really helps me get through this loss overall, especially on these special days, is just allowing myself to focus on what I had (my loving husband), what I still have (wonderful family and friends), and what I will have again someday (Heaven---Jesus, Jeffrey and other family and friends again).  

I also try to remember that my husband would not want his legacy to be that his death destroyed me...or anyone else that he loved.  He would want me to continue being a loving mom to our children, and he would want me to focus on the good that is left. I know this because I saw how he handled losing loved ones.  He talked about his two grandfathers and grandmother after they passed with love. He shared fun stories about them. He didn’t dwell on the hurt or loss. So, I am trying to do the same.  

Here is hoping that I can continue to make it through special days as well as I did this one.  I know that grief is unpredictable, so I am not completely confident that will always be the case.  That is okay though because I made it through this one. One day at a time.