Hard Day

Yesterday was a hard day for our family.  The farm had to be auctioned off.  I will never forget Jeff coming home saying, “We are farmers now!”  I’ll never forget the smile on his face, and how proud he was.  It was hard to sit there while others were bidding on our land.  I’d never been to a land auction before.  At one point, I wanted to jump in and bid because the silence was painful.  But I sat in silence with Ali, Jeff’s mom & his sister Abby, shed a few tears, and endured the process.  Ali struggled because some of the men in the back just chatted during the whole thing.  She wanted them to be quiet.  Jeff’s mom and sister sat there quietly with tears.  It was hard for us all.

When I prayed about this event, I specifically asked that God help us sell the farm for a higher price than Jeff bought it for because I knew he would be proud of making a profit.  I also asked that it would go to someone that was happy to have it and planned to farm it themselves.  My prayers were answered, and for this I will be forever grateful.

After the auction, Ali and I walked to the car.  I, almost immediately, broke down bawling.  My smart and practical child suggested I should pull over because it seemed dangerous to drive like that.  That made me chuckle a little, which helped me get it together a little bit.  Love her!

On the drive back to town, I asked Ali if she thought her dad would be proud.  I asked this because I truly just want to make him proud still every single day.  She got quiet.  I said, “Are you thinking he would be proud, but he would think we should have gotten a better price?”   She said that yes, that is basically what she was thinking.  I don’t disagree.  He would have been proud of all of us for being strong and pushing through it, and he would have loved knowing that the farm sold for quite a bit more than he bought it for.  He would have said they got a good deal though.  Reality is it could have, and probably should have, sold for much more.  They did get a good deal, but I am okay with that.

Before we went home, Ali and I stopped by the cemetery.  Under the full moon, I needed to tell Jeff about the day.  I could tell him anywhere, but I wanted to do it there.  I also told him the full moon was called the Beaver Moon.  I know he would have that was quirky and funny.  Can’t be all serious with my man.   

In words, I can’t adequately do yesterday justice.  Hard is an understatement.  My chest hurt all day.  I felt anxious.  Sadness consumed me.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way is a phrase I kept repeating internally.  Today is a new day though.  Today, I am going to focus on the good, and yes, there is always good.   I was blessed to be Jeff’s wife for 17.5 years.  I have lots of great memories to run through my mind at any given moment.  My children are a wonderful, tangible reminder of Jeff.  I’m going to focus on them and my memories because while he isn’t here with me right now, I will see him again someday.  It’s a new day, and on this day I choose to remember that while this journey is not at all what I want or planned, my love waits for me in Heaven right by our almighty God.