(artwork done by Jennifer Wagner--check out Inspirivity on facebook)
Merry Christmas! Welcome to my rambling Christmas thoughts, and I do mean rambling. I just need a place to get them out. So much going on inside of this head. Hard to believe right? 😂
Today is such a wonderful day to reflect on how lucky we are that Jesus, son of God, was born into this world to the Virgin Mary. Blessed that He shares his light with all of us. Truly lucky that He allows us to follow Him, and in doing so, we can spend eternal life with Him and His Father. This gift brings about such peace and joy for me, and I hope it does the same for you.
I would have to say that overall we had a great Christmas…season and day. We got to enjoy different events…dining at a local tea room, The Nutcracker, a church program. I baked many different treats for the kids to enjoy, we decorated the house so it would be festive and fun, and we watched many movies together this season. I have been loving all of the quality time. Plus, I think my kids are happy with their gifts. So, yeah, it has been a very Merry Christmas!
But as I stated in my last post, this day can be a difficult one for those who are grieving a loss. The harsh reality is that most of us fall into that category. It just makes this time of year bittersweet.
It’s difficult doing life without Jeff. Not gonna lie. The holidays are especially difficult. I won’t pretend that he was a huge help with all of the holiday preparations. Nope. I was the one to cook, bake, shop, and wrap, but knowing that I was doing it for both of us was wonderful. He never put pressure on me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He wasn’t bossy or controlling. Not at all. Instead, he was always super appreciative and complementary. He would tell me that the cookies tasted good. Okay, well, he would tell me he should probably sample a few more to make sure they are okay. 😂 He would thank me for being a great mom to our kiddos and making sure they had a wonderful Christmas. So, yeah, it’s hard living this life without my partner. I want to spoil him, but I’m stuck talking to the air and praying he can hear me.
Probably don’t have to mention that life without your partner is lonely, but it really, really is. When that loneliness takes root, my gut reaction is to keep busy and push it away. However, I took time today to read some of Jeff’s past Christmas cards to me. I let myself wallow a bit in the loneliness by allowing his words to sink into my heart like a warm hug. So much joy reading those words…his words! Made me feel even more lonely yet less lonely all at the same time. Hard to explain. Here are a few that I read.
Then I looked at photos of my man. The one who still has my heart and always will. The one who joined together with me as one in marriage and created three wonderful children with me. He was so damn handsome! I loved his beautiful brown eyes, strong nose, and charming smile. I admit that I was far more in love with his inner beauty than his outer beauty. He was funny. So very funny! He was incredibly smart, kind, and generous. I am blessed to be his wife!
Yeah, I am still using present tense there. After the shock wore off, I was so mad at Jeff, and I was hurt terribly by the fact that he was gone and the way that he died. However, I have forgiven him for leaving me. God and counseling helped me work through so much. This is our 4th Christmas without Jeffrey, and my heart still feels bound to him. I think it always will.
People will say things like, “You are so young. Don’t you want to date again?”. I don’t mind the comments because I understand where they are coming from. I am lonely. My children will be flown from our nest in no time, and then I’m certain I will be even more lonely. As life has taught me, my mom won’t live forever. She will go join my dad who passed away fifteen years ago. I still have other family members like my sister, in-laws, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Though I have all these people in my life, we don’t see each other all that often. Most don’t live near me, and they all have their own lives and families. So, I especially don’t want to be a burden on them during holidays.
So my answer is, ummmm, maybe. Maybe someday I will open my heart to another. I have no doubt that my heart is large enough to do just that, but let’s be honest it will take a very unique, special and strong person to open their heart to me knowing that my heart will always also love Jeffrey. In that way, being a widow is so different from being divorced. I have learned that as I move forward I will always safely carry Jeff with me. Another person will never change that, and most people would really struggle with that. So, I have become okay with the fact that I may never date again, or I may. Honestly, I am leaving that completely up to my God. The one who sent his son to be born on this wonderful day to that very young and scared virgin.