Hodge Podge

This past year has been tough.  Well, 1 year, 1 month and 24 days really, but who's counting.  I’m tired all the damn time. Seriously! Just mentally, physically, and emotionally worn out every single day.  

As I type that, I feel guilty.  I really shouldn’t complain. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do.  The news is filled with people who are going through difficult situations...deaths, missing children, house fires, etc.  Yes, I lost the man that I love, my partner in life, and the father of my children. However, it wasn’t just yesterday. Yes, I lost him in a way that I can’t fully process and accept, but I try.  That is all I can do. Yes, I am a solo parent. Yes, I have had to navigate and tackle some big things this past year. Heck, just found out today that our 2016 taxes were never processed. Deep breaths!  The good news is that I have fabulous family and friends that help me out so much all the time. For the love, my dear mother lives with us and cooks and cleans for us. She is super supportive and helpful.  Many others have been too!  

And yet, I’m sitting here complaining because I just feel worn out.  I think the toll of the past year has just really gotten to me. My son’s car accident on January 19th stirred up a bunch of anxiety and emotions.  Praise the Lord he is okay! On top of that, I am not taking very good care of myself, and I know that. My eating habits are horrible, and I have gained about 15 pounds in the last 2 months.  I’m also not taking my vitamins, supplements and depression/anxiety medicine on a regular basis. Why? No good reason really.  

I have been to the doctor.  Everything checked out normal, and she thought the way I was feeling was likely due to depression and anxiety.  So, we upped my medication since I was on a low dose. I did feel better for a bit, but then I stopped taking it regularly and feel wiped out again.  Hoping that once I start taking it more regularly again, as well as my other vitamins and such, eating better, and just overall take better care of myself, I will feel better and the fatigue won’t be so bad.  Ugh! Why is it hard sometimes to just take care of ourselves?

The other day on my Facebook page called ‘Walking Through the Valley’ I asked for prayers.  So thankful to have people that I can turn to when I need prayers. Grateful that there are people that will lift my family up to Him when I am struggling to do anything but just get by.  I do pray, but it is just reassuring to know that others have my back in that area too.  

My personal belief is that it is important to be as open and honest when you are going through tough times.  In the past, if I try to hide what is happening, it just makes me feel worse. Plus, when you share, you just might help others.  So, I openly share that I struggle with anxiety and depression. I am very honest about that face that I have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, but thankfully, I have never acted on them.  Unless you count the time that teenage me took too many Tylenols, but I don’t. That was just teenage stupidity. I openly share that it has been hard to lose Jeffrey, and I am getting better at acknowledging to others that it was an apparent suicide.  

One part of my brain says it’s nobody else’s business how he died.  Nunya as Jeff would say. However, the other part of my brain says that we have to get rid of the stigma of struggling with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts.  People shouldn't feel ashamed. Instead, they should feel able to reach out for help. We need to help people, maybe men especially, understand that it is okay to ask for help during times of struggle.  Feeling hopeless can happen to anyone. It doesn’t mean you are weak. When I ask for prayers for others or share what is going on, it isn’t to say “Oh look at me!” It’s to say, “Y’all, I am struggling and I need help.”  Needing help is okay.    

Jeff was very much a manly man.  Kind of your typical man so to speak.  You know the kind of man that doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, and doesn’t like to ask for help.  If he did take his own life, I wish he would have known that he could have asked for help. I wish he would have known that I would not have looked down on him for needing help.  It’s not just me that would have helped him either. He had many family members and friends that loved him dearly, still do, and would have helped him anyway they could.

This post feels like a hodge podge of stuff, so I will add some more randomness to it.  In the area of taking care of myself, I finally went to counseling yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks.  I have been going every 3 weeks, but I had to cancel my appointment 3 weeks ago due to not feeling well. Let me tell you...6 weeks is too long of a stretch for me at this point.  We talked about my high anxiety and how I keep finding myself clenching muscles and not breathing. This led us to try progressive muscle relaxation. It’s supposed to help with muscle tension, which I could definitely use.  At this point, I’ll try anything once.

Alright, I’ll wrap this up.  Please excuse my random assortment of hodge podge.  Love that I have a space I can get some of my thoughts out at though.