The other day I shared that at counseling my counselor helped me see that two running themes keep popping up as things I don’t want. They are that 1) I don’t want to be pitied and 2) I don’t want to get stuck in grief. Today we are talking about getting stuck in grief, but before I jump in, I feel like I need to mention some things. Make some disclaimers.
First of all, grief is not just about death. People grieve for so many reasons...death, divorce, illness, marriage or relationship issues, money trouble, family problems, loss of a job...I could go on and on. So, while my current situation deals with losing my spouse and financial crud, I want you all to understand that my feelings on getting stuck would apply to all areas of troubles I have or will ever encounter.
Second of all, and this is important, everyone grieves differently. I do not want anyone to think that I am saying that I am an expert on grief, or that I know exactly how grieving should be done. Is there a magic amount of time a person should grieve or a perfect way? Absolutely not! If you are facing something hard, please grieve. Give yourself time to heal. You do what helps you process what you are going through as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else. There is absolutely no shame in that. This post is about getting stuck in grief, and by that I mean holding onto extreme emotions (numbness, anger, sadness, etc.) for extended periods of time. The kind of stuck that makes it hard for a person to find even a tiny glimmer of joy in anything. The kind of stuck that makes a person not able to see that they still have so much to live for. How do you know you are stuck? Does it happen after a certain amount of time? One month? One year? 18 months? Nope, remember, there is no magic amount of time. In my opinion, it's all about how you feel and how you are coping with life, and honestly, only you and those super close to you will be able to know if you are stuck.
Lastly, before I start explaining why not getting stuck is important to me, please know that I acknowledge that all kinds of things complicate grief. The thing you are grieving could simply have some complicated factors (multiple deaths, suicide, murder, extreme financial ruins, lawsuits, etc). You may struggle with depression or anxiety. I realize that these things make it harder to not get stuck. Again, there is no one way to grieve, and grieving is so personal and individual. I want to make it clear that I fully understand that!
Okay, so why is it so important for me to not get stuck in this grief process? Why do I want to make sure that I keep moving forward walking hand-in-hand with my grief instead of taking my grief to a quiet room and letting it consume me for long periods of time? Let me count the ways.
1) Jeff would not want me, his children or anyone that he loved to get so consumed with grief that we can’t find any joy. He would not want us to get stuck. Grieve him? Yes, I think he would completely understand that we will grieve him. Letting it consume us though? Being filled with only numbness, anger, or sadness, or being filled with those things for an extremely long time where there is no joy. Nope, I feel like he would jokingly say, “Suck it up, Buttercup! Go rub some dirt on it!”, and lovingly he would say "I'll see you soon".
2) God wouldn’t want us to get stuck in the grief either. Jesus wept for Lazarus. He understands grief. He would understand us grieving a person or a difficult situation. But the bible says that there is a time for everything (read Ecclesiastes 3:1-13). God doesn’t promise that our life here on Earth will be easy, but he does promise us eternal life if we believe that Jesus is the son of God, that he died on the cross for our sins, and that he rose from the dead. I feel like I could write extensively on this one. It’s very easy in grief to start thinking that God isn’t good, or that he doesn’t care about us. However, this goes against what the bible says. It just isn’t true, and thoughts like this can extend your grief process and actually cause you more pain.
3) Here it is folks. This is actually the BIG one for me personally on this particular grief journey. Seriously, it is the biggest reason that I have worked so hard on this grief process by going to counseling, attending GriefShare, praying often and asking for prayers, talking to Jeff, taking medication, and many other things. It is the biggest reason that I want to be sure that I don’t get stuck. Any ideas? It’s my kids! I bet many of you guessed that. They absolutely deserve to have me be the best mom that I can be. Does this mean that I don’t let them see me sad? Quite the opposite. I have been very honest with them as I go through this journey. They’ve seen me bawl. They’ve seen me talk to their dad. They’ve seen the days when I can’t get out of bed. It’s okay for them to see that I am not okay. However, it’s not okay for them to see me stuck.
What does it say to them if I get stuck? I feel like it sends the message that they are not a reason to go on living a full and meaningful life. I feel like it says that Jeff was all I was living for, and they don't matter. This is not the message I want to send to them at all. They lost someone important to them too, and I don’t want them to get stuck. So, I need to model for them how we walk through this journey. They need to see that even though it is hard we can move forward with a piece of us missing.
4) Take number 3 and insert other family and friends, because the same is true for them too. I even think about my future grandchildren. Those little kiddos will deserve to have a granny that can spend time with them and enjoy them. Our lives are filled with many meaningful people, and it is normal to grieve them when they are gone. It is normal that the grief will never really fully go away. A piece of me is forever missing. However, it isn’t normal if after awhile I can’t spend time with my family and friends and find some joy. My heart loves so many people. I can’t just stop loving them because I lost a huge part of me...even if at times I want to.
I’ll wrap up now because I think you all get the point. Grieving is extremely normal. It is different for every single person. However, there comes a time that you have to learn to continue living a different but still meaningful life. If you struggle with that, and you feel you are stuck, I would suggest you seek help from a doctor or counselor. I know that I have sought help from both, and I am not ashamed to admit that. For my family, I absolutely had to seek help to figure out how to walk forward without Jeffrey. This has not been an easy journey, and I am absolutely still grieving and have accepted that I always will. But those I love deserve to have a me that can still enjoy spending time with them. A me that can laugh with them, cry with them, and enjoy life with them. A me that can go through all the emotions without getting stuck on one of them.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback. 🙂
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