It is hard for me to believe that as of yesterday one year has gone by since I looked into Jeff’s rich brown eyes, felt his strong arms around me, or had a conversation with him where he actually answered back. One year.
One year is made up of:
31,536,000 tiny seconds of time
525,600 short minutes
8760 quick hours
365 long days
12 lengthy months
The seconds, minutes and hours go by fairly quickly. Well, not at first. When Jeff first died, it was as if time was standing still, but the rest of the world seemed unaffected. They still bustled about. Oh, but the days and months are long. Put them all together, and it is an agonizing amount of time to be without the man you love. The man you called husband, and he called wife. The man you became one with, had three children with, and wanted to spend forever with.
Here are some thoughts I have as I reflect on my time with Jeffrey, this past year, and my future. I apologize that these thoughts are sort of rambling and not neatly laid out. It’s how my mind works right now.
I was blessed to be able to make memories for the last 20 years with Jeffrey. I was grateful to have him in my everyday life during that time. He was, and is, my forever. I don’t understand why he had to go to Heaven so soon. He always told me that he would go first, but he would reference the heart problems in his family. I still thought we had a good 20 more years to be together...at least. I know that I absolutely loved him with all of my heart. I know that I worked hard at our marriage. I was faithful, loyal, and I worked hard to make him happy. When I say I worked hard, what I mean is that I actively worked to understand a very complex man. I knew he loved when I took care of our kids, our home, cooked meals, and did all that typical housewife stuff. That wasn’t hard for me. I enjoyed pleasing him that way. But as I said, he was complex. I worked to understand him. What I learned is that I married a man who didn’t quite fit into this fast-paced, commercialized, money hungry world that we live in. He may have been complex, but that was because at the root of him was a man who was really very simple. I often said that he was born 100 years too late, but I was glad he was. He felt most at peace in the woods. He loved to hunt and fish. In our early years of marriage, with three young kids, I understandably wanted him home to help. As time went on, I understood that he needed his time in nature. It is how he recharged and felt centered and right with God. If it made him happy, that made me happy. We quit butting heads about his time away from the family, and in turn our marriage became stronger. When he first passed, I worried that he didn’t know how much I loved him, but as time went on God worked in me to realize he absolutely did. I showed it often, and in many different ways. Jeff was a profoundly smart man who wouldn’t have missed these facts.
I absolutely don’t doubt that Jeffrey loved me. He didn’t love to open up and share his feelings. Communication on a deep level wasn’t his thing. It was hard for him. He was a manly man through and through. He showed his love in many practical ways. He worked hard for his family, and he provided well for us. When we were walking down the road, he wouldn’t let me walk on the side by the road. He was protective that way. He would often open my car door for me, even after so many years of marriage. He was a gentleman. When he came home, he didn’t unload about his day. Now, in the beginning. I wanted him to share. I would ask questions, and try to get him to open up. But home was his safe space. The space where he walked in happy, often smiling and doing a little dance, and just enjoyed being with his people. Looking back, I wish I would have pushed more for details of what was going on in his life at work, but I know deep in my heart he wouldn’t have shared. I know this because I tried often to get him to share.
I am absolutely at peace with the time Jeff and I shared together. I am thankful for all the memories that we made together. I know I will play them over and over in my mind a million times until I see him again. I am thankful that we worked hard to stay married. Yes, marriage is work, and we worked at it. We were each others forever.
But sometimes forever doesn’t look like you expect it to or like you thought it would look. I saw that with my mom and dad, but this past year has really made it sink in on a personal level. On the morning of December 6, 2018, my husband was playful. He gave me a huge, lengthy hug. I went to work a very happy women. All was right in my world...until it wasn’t. I have worked hard this past year at this grief process. I have tried to sort things out in my heart and mind, tried to make peace with things, and I have just tried to figure out life in general. The main thing I have learned is that I loved Jeffrey dearly, I still love him, and I will forever love him. Death does not take the love away, but it does change it.
I have had to work on acceptance of different things over this past year, but one of the big ones is that I had to work to accept is that grief is a forever thing. Not a day will go by where I don’t think about Jeff. As I have learned to accept this, I have learned something beautiful. Jeffrey will always be with me. No, not in the way I wanted, but it is still nice to know that I haven’t really lost him. He visits me in my dreams. Some of those dreams are just dreams, but some, I truly believe, are visits. I talk to him often still. Honestly, probably more now than before. I am just sure he can hear me. He’s probably laughing at me because I am such a talker and he isn’t. I feel his presence like a warm, comforting blanket most days, and because of this, I am forever grateful.
This past year has been hard. Truly, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I know that those of us who loved Jeff, and there are many, have suffered greatly. There will be an end to this suffering someday though. We will see him again. Praise the Lord for that! Because of this, I have devoted more of myself and my life to God again. Don’t misunderstand me, God and I were good before Jeff’s death. However, now I have my eyes more firmly placed on Him. I think that naturally happens to people who have treasures in Heaven.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but there are some things that I do know. I know that wherever the future takes me, I will walk forward with Jeff by my side. I will constantly strive to please both God and Jeff. Not as if they are equal, or as if Jeff is an idol, but I will strive to please God, my father, and Jeff, my husband. I will honor them both. While many don’t view widows as married, I still view myself as married. I know I went through an angry phase where I felt like Jeff abandoned me, but counseling and GriefShare helped me work through that. As I worked through that, I realized married is how I feel, and likely will for a long time...maybe forever. I think many widows feel that way. (Sidenote--I still dislike that word...widow. Don’t think I will ever get used to it.) My goal is to raise our children the way we planned and carry on his memory and traditions with our future grandchildren. What could be more honoring than that?
There you have my ramblings and reflections as one year has come and gone. He is forever missed, always loved, and never far from my thoughts. Thank you for letting me share my journey with you all. It helps me process and makes me feel less alone. You all are such a blessing!
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