Happy New Year Everyone! Every year, during the week between Christmas and New Year, I take time to just relax and reflect. It’s a time for me to think about the past year, or many years, as well as the year(s) that is/are coming up. I’m sure many of you do the same thing. It seems like a natural thing to do.
We’ve now entered into the year 2020. The year of perfect vision. Oh, if only we had the type of vision God has. That would be perfect! We would know exactly what we were supposed to do and how. Although, I am sure there are many things we wouldn’t want to know, but you get what I’m saying. It would just be nice to clearly see the path for our lives.
Since, I don’t have this type of vision, I reflect. This past year was most definitely my hardest year so far in life. Sure, December of 2018 is when my life changed forever, but honestly, prior to that 2018 wasn’t too bad. Actually, up until the very moment I received the call about Jeffrey, I would have told you life was pretty wonderful. So, yes, I can say that the end of 2018 was hard, but it was 2019 that really brought me to my knees...literally. It is in 2019 where I had to learn how to survive the change that happened in 2018.
This is actually a weird year to look back on, and it is very hard to explain to someone. Let’s try this. Picture yourself on a walk in unknown woods. There isn’t a pretty path that you are following. You are just randomly walking through the trees that are tall and thick trying to find your way back out of the woods. You don’t have a clue where you are, and it’s hard to see too far in front of you because your vision is blocked by trees. You are frightened because you don’t know these woods, and you don’t know what animals lurk here. That’s not all though. Picture a dense fog. It’s such a heavy fog that you can physically feel it. The trees make it hard to see, but the fog makes it absolutely impossible. You take steps forward, feeling your way around the woods. You are positive that you are walking in circles. However, after awhile, the fog starts to lift a little. Actually, over the course of your journey, the fog slowly lifts until the point that it is finally gone, but that takes a very long time to happen. Thankfully, you’ve become a little more familiar with the woods, and things are a little clearer. You no longer fear the animals that could be hiding because you have encountered them and been okay. But those tall trees and the lack of a clear path still make it hard, and you are still, most definitely, stuck in the woods.
Yep, that sums up my 2019! It was a long, treacherous walk. I made many missteps. I also learned a whole lot...about myself, my family and friends, and the world in general. It is a year that brought me closer than ever to our Lord. He and I are tight! Our bond is unshakeable at this moment. When you are walking through something hard, you need something solid. Thankfully Psalm 18:2 tells me that God is my solid rock, my fortress, and my deliverer. He is my strength and my shield. So grateful to have Him in my life and to know that my husband resides with Him now.
So, yes, 2019 was hard. Being without Jeffrey has been difficult. Truly, that is an understatement! Learning to tackle things alone has been tough. Here is the good news though. I have done it, and while doing so, I have had many wonderful moments. There has been wonderful memories made along the way with my children, my family and my friends. I have reconnected with people that I hadn’t really spoken with in a long time. And the best part is that I have realized that I am never really without Jeff. He is still with me. No, not physically, but he is still in my heart and mind, and I will continue to carry him there until I see him in Heaven and get to spend eternity with him.
With all good reflecting, we look back and we also look forward. I have seen many things that I do want to change. I would like to get back into church. I need that in my life. I need to also be in the Word more, so I am going to make that happen.
I also need to figure out a job. I absolutely love my job as a secretary in the special education department. However, being the sole provider of a family is a daunting task, and I can’t just go for what I enjoy. I need to think about money. Ugh! I haven’t had to do that in over 20 years thanks to Jeff, and back then I didn’t have to care for anyone but myself. If any of you have any suggestions for what I can do when I grow up, I would welcome them. My degree is in elementary education. I love kids, but I don’t know if teaching is where I should be. I just keep praying. I want God to lead me. If he gives you any wisdom in this area, please share with me.
In 2019, I focused on surviving. Thriving is where it is at for 2020. Thriving is all about being healthy and successful. I’m going to tackle the healthy part with continued counseling and GriefShare. I’m also going to try to take better care of myself physically. The successful part of thriving might look different for me than others. Success in my eyes is having a strong group of family and friends around me. So many have shown me support over this past year, and I want to work on reciprocating that support and kindness. Success also means making the world more joyful. So, I am going to be purposeful about spreading joy in our world.
My hope is that you all have a fabulous 2020. I pray that this coming decade brings every single one of you peace and joy.
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