Choices

I came across this saying as I was mindlessly scrolling through the internet today.  I would say that I normally wholeheartedly agree with this.

The first one is not an option for me.  I don't want to be defined by Jeff's death.  I would much rather be defined by the life we did share...not the loss I went through.  See the first one is about Jeff and I together.  The second is really just about me.  That is an empty feeling.  He filled my life for over 20 years.  We shared much love, joy,  and happiness.  It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.  But even the difficult times were ours together, and we worked hard to never quit on our relationship.  He gave me three fantastic children.  I would rather be defined by all of that than defined by the fact that he is gone.

Letting his death destroy me is absolutely not an option.  Let's go back to those three fantastic children he gave me...Ali, Josh & Meghan.  What good am I to each of them if I let this destroy me?  Is that what Jeff would want?  Would he want me to be a basket case that can't take care of our kiddos?  No!  I know that to be true.  I absolutely knew my husband.  He would want me to carry on for them.  He would want me to continue raising them to be the adults we dreamed they would become.  Would he want me to grieve?  Sure.  Although, if I am honest, he wouldn't want much fuss or crying done on his behalf.  Well, I can't give him everything he wants.  I cry plenty, but that is perfectly fine.  I am hurting.  But being hurt, sad, angry, depressed (insert just about any emotion that goes along with grieving here), isn't the same as being destroyed.  I feel broken much of the time, but even broken isn't destroyed.  Being destroyed doesn't do me, my family, or my friends any good.  Being destroyed doesn't honor Jeff.  And quite frankly, it doesn't honor God either.  I'm no good to anyone if I am destroyed.

Now the last one, let it strengthen me, seems completely impossible.  They always say 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'  Heck, Kelly Clarkson sang all about it.  Before all of this, I would have probably told you that it was possible to choose to let something bad strengthen you.  However, going through this, I feel like I'm doing good choosing to not let it define or destroy me.  Maybe that is the point.  Maybe making those choices strengthens you.  I guess time will tell.  All I know is that right now I feel incredibly weak.