Giving thanks in the midst of an F5 tornado is not an easy task. And that is exactly what my life feels like. Like an F5 has barreled right on through. Okay, now that I think about it, maybe an F4. I mean while my life is in pieces not everything has been demolished. I still have my kiddos, my family, and wonderful friends. I also still have a job, a house, a car. Without Jeff life feels immensely different. I don't like it at all! It would be so much easier to let the dark feelings I feel take over, but for many reasons, I just can't do that. One of those reasons is that together we created a wonderful life. That life is forever changed, but it is still standing, albeit on unsteady ground. In order to honor Jeff, I need to give thanks and chase away the darkness.
Today, I felt God blessing me. It is moments like these that make me realize it wasn't an F5 and I have much to give thanks for. See, our mortgage was just in Jeff's name, and I'm in the process of trying to refinance the home in my name. Let me be frank, stuff like this drives me batty...even in the best of times. The bank that I am refinancing through called for the payoff, but they didn't want to release that because I am not Jeff. It's never an easy process when your name wasn't on things. When my bank asked me to personally go to this bank and see if I could get the info, I started feeling stressed, worried and just plain ol' grumpy. I'm dealing with so much, and now it feels like I'm trying to beg people to get what is mine. I was there when we closed on the loan 17 years ago. Every single loan payment was made on time because of me. Jeff was a great provider, but he wasn't always punctual. And I know that loan number by heart. I even know roughly what we owe.
God knew that I was feeling this way. I prayed about it. I had others pray about it. I walked into the bank and kindly asked for the info. Guess what happened? The loan officer asked to see the deed, which I am on, and gave me the information I needed. Easy peasy! All that stress, worry, and grumpiness was for nothing!
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Worrying does not add a single hour to my life. It's not beneficial to me. Sure, I go there a lot these days. There are just so many uncertainties. So many things to do, and I currently have a brain that doesn't function like it used to. I think it's normal to start worrying. But as a believer, when the worry creeps in, I need to stop and pray. I need to thank God that I don't have to worry. He will help me get through this. He will guide my way to eternity so that I can spend it with Jeff. Thank you, Lord!
After rereading this post, I want to clarify something. I fear this post makes it sound so simple and easy. Just stop and pray. Just thank God. I mean all of that. I do all of that. But the Lord knows how much effort that takes sometimes. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying it is easy to give thanks during our darkest moments. There is nothing simple or easy about this process. It truly is a choice. Some moments that choice is easier than others. I believe God understands this. He knows our hearts. He doesn't condemn us when we aren't being thankful. However, he does bless us when we are, and he delights in our thanksgiving.
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