March Forth

Today is March Fourth.  When I hear the date, all I think is March Forth.  That's right, forth, as in forward.  March forward.  Two short words that make a complete sentence.  Not just any kind of sentence.  It's an imperative sentence which is a command.

All day I have felt as if God is commanding me to just keep moving forward.  I have felt worn out today, and frankly, a little bit of a hot mess emotionally.  Nonetheless, when I say or hear the date, I feel like I am being commanded to just keep moving forward.

Jesus commanded Moses to tell the people of Israel to go forward in Exodus 14:15.  Of course, they were escaping the Egyptians.  What am I escaping?  I guess I am escaping grief.  Maybe escaping is the wrong word.  I feel like I am trying to make my way through the grief.  If you have ever grieved, you may understand this, but I feel like my grief is like a constant fog.  Some moments the fog is lighter and easy to see through, and other moments it is like a thick wool blanket that I am trapped under.

Maybe my problem is that I'm not sure what I am moving forward towards.  My future doesn't make sense without Jeffrey.  Most of the time, I try not to think too much beyond the day-to-day life and my kiddos.  I try not to think about my future--the uncertainty of what is to come.  With Jeff, I had no problem moving forward because he was right there with me.  On the evening of December 5th, 2018, my future looked bright.  So bright that I had to wear shades.  By the morning of December 6th, the future looked dark and foggy.  I had to take my shades off, and I'm afraid I will never get to put them back on.

One area of uncertainty is my work life.  I'm currently a clerical aide and loving every minute of my job.  Seriously!  Before December 6th, I saw myself working at my current job for years and years.  With Jeff by my side this was very possible.  However, post-December 6th, I quickly came to the realization that I have to find an elementary teaching job. I can't raise my family on a 30 hour a week hourly job without benefits.  While I love my job, I also love teaching.  So, when the uncertainty causes me stress, I try not to think about it too much.  I try to just let go and let God do his thing.  He knows what I need, and I will just listen to him and March Forth towards the future.

Marching Forth won't be done quickly.  Some days, I may simply take a tiny step.  Other days, I may take larger steps.  Heck, let's be honest, there will even be days when I stay still or step back a bit.  There is no rule book on how to move forward without your husband.  I just know that as I progress along this path I will continue to choose to seek God.  I will choose to spread joy.  And I will also choose to pray through every step (forward or backwards).