Memories

Today, I have been feeling jittery.  This happens to me quite a bit now that Jeff is not here.  I'm not physically jittery.  It's more emotional.  It's like I want to run out of my skin.  I can't really explain it.  I have started to recognize that it happens mostly when I have too much time to think or around dates or moments that are important.  The feeling sets in when I fully feel the crushing weight of the changes that are happening.  When I allow my brain to stop moving forward and just soak in what was and what is. 

My cousin, Katrina, mentioned to my kids that it might be helpful for them to choose a picture to journal about.  Since, I am trying to work through this emotional wave, I thought I would give this a try.

So, these pictures are from a Saturday night in early August 2009.  I took way more pictures when the kids were young, but that is besides the point.  On this night, Jeff and I decided to do a bonfire/cookout with the kids complete with hot dogs and s'mores.

Jeff loved to build a fire.  Seriously, I say this all the time, but he was born 100 years too late.  He would have rocked the late 1800's.  So thankful that he wasn't born then because we wouldn't have met, but he had the talents to survive back then.  I, however, do not.  So, I enjoyed watching Jeff build the perfect fire.  Enjoyed is the right word.  It made my heart happy to see him tend the fire.  He loved it!  For our 17th anniversary he told me we would get a fire pit, but for whatever reason, that never happened.  I reminded him of this promise a few times because I really enjoyed our time around a fire. I even asked him if he wanted me to go get one, but he said no. 

We technically have a fireplace in our home.  In the almost 17 years that we have lived here, we have never had a fire in that fireplace.  It has a gas line running to it, and Jeff  and I are more of wood fire kind of people.  We started it up once, but it burned out in just a few minutes.  That made us think that it is just a gas starter.  Whenever I would mention having this looked at, Jeff would put me off.  See, as much as Jeff liked tending a fire, he hated spending money more.  So, to him this was just one more expense.  He was content going without so we didn't have to hassle with it and spend money. 

Now I kick myself.  I should have gone out and bought us a fire pit.  You can get them for about $100.  I also should have called someone out to at least give me a quote on the fireplace.  Having done this would have given us more memorable times around the fire.  It would have brought him joy.  When Jeff didn't want me to do something,  I considered it respectful to listen.  I wish in areas like this I would have pushed a tad more.

As you can see from the pictures, we all enjoyed the night together.  It hurts to think that we can't do this ever again.  Drives me absolutely crazy to think that I will never see him build and tend a fire.  I just want him to walk in the door.  I want this all to be a horrible nightmare that can end.  I love the memories, but thinking like this doesn't help me a ton right now.  Just makes me want to curl into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out.  Might explain why I tend to focus on the kids or the fact that I will have eternity with Jeff.  Surely someday it will be easier to think about what was, but at this point, it just hurts too badly!