Why? Why? Why?

Why is constantly running through my mind lately.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did Jeff have to die so young?  Why don't we have all the answers yet?    Why_________?  Why_________?  Why_________? The questions are never-ending.  They just bounce through my head.  The problem with this is that none of my questions have answers other than "I don't know".  I'm a teacher at heart, and I thoroughly believe in asking and answering the why questions in life.  What do you do if there isn't an answer though?  What do you do if your questions only bring you more heartache?  

On top of all that bouncing through my head, I have a large amount of self-doubt creeping around in there too.  I just keep feeling like maybe if I was a better person this wouldn't have happened.  Maybe if I was more loving, more fun, more interesting, more beautiful, more  _________, more _________, more  _________.  It's also endless.  I feel like I'm being punished for all of my inadequacies.  It's not rational really.  On a logical level, I know that there is nothing I could do to change this situation.  However, on an emotional level, I am struggling.

I just love Jeffrey so much.  My heart physically hurts when I think about everything too much, which I have been doing lately.  I don't want to do life without him.  He is supposed to be here.  This was not part of the plan.  Navigating all of this is exhausting.  To make Jeff proud, I will hold my head high and move forward, but I won't pretend it is easy or fun. 

I'll leave you with this song.  I know she wrote it about people why died in war, but the song speaks to me.  I especially like the following part:

If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you, and never let go
Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering
I lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time
I guess Heaven was needing a hero