Day 319

I find that talking to Jeff helps me, so I thought I would try writing to him.

Dear Jeffrey,

319 Days...Oh. My. Goodness.  I have been without you for 319 days.  That doesn't seem possible.  Some days that feels like too many days, but more often, it feels like it's been way longer since you have held me in your arms.  I miss you more than I can even express.  You made me feel loved.  You always made me feel safe.  You made me feel proud.  Seriously, I was Jeff Cole's wife.  I was proud to be yours.

It will come as no surprise that I hate that I'm not your wife anymore.  I don't like being Jeff Cole's widow.  It's horrible!  I miss you something fierce!  I don't feel as loved or safe, but I am still proud of you.  I wish your Earthly life and our Earthly love story didn't have to end this way, but know that I will always be proud of you.  Years of being proud of you can't be erased so easily, My Love.   

I pray that you are able to see the kids and I from Heaven.  I pray you can see your parents, sisters, nieces and nephews.  You are missed by so very many!

If you can see me, I hope you are proud of me.  For 20 years all I wanted was to please you.  I wanted to make you happy.  To make you proud.  That hasn't changed.  I can no longer do it exactly the same way that I did before, but it won't stop me from keeping you, us, and our family at the forefront of my mind.  It won't stop me from doing things that I know would make you happy and proud.  I love you, Jeffrey!

I hope that you are able to hunt and fish in Heaven.  I can picture you, Grandpa Jack, and Grandma Rose competing to see who gets the first fish again.  Who will get the dollar this time?  Do they have money in Heaven?

I pray that you and my dad are up there chatting.  I'm sure he wants to hear all about the kids.  And I know you have many other loved ones up there to love on you.

Just know that when I see you I am going to give you the biggest hug and kiss.  I'll say it again, I love you!  I'm going to love on you for eternity.  My faith and the thought of eternity is the thing that most gets me through these minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years.   At least that is what has worked for these past 319 days. 

xoxo
All my love,
Dawn Marie