Here are some pictures from my weekend. There is one from each day. Friday night was Senior Night at the football game for Ali. I didn't stick around for the game. Instead, I went out to the cemetery, and spent some time with Jeff. I refused to cry. I pushed back the tears.
Saturday night I went to dinner with my friend Danielle, and then we went and cheered our girls on at the State Marching Band Competition. We had a great night! Lots of laughs and good talks.
So, all good right? It sounds, and from the pictures looks, like I'm in a good place. Ah, but Sunday hit like a hurricane. Torrential waves of grief. I couldn't get myself out of bed... Until about 3PM. Even then it took major effort. The picture shows me still in the same clothes as the night before. I was a crying mess. I was exhausted and just felt hopeless. This picture clearly shows that.
Yes, I realize this is a horrible picture. Probably shouldn't put it out there, but I'm keeping it real. I only took it to text to Danielle who I knew would give me a pep talk. I couldn't go through this walk through the valley without the support of my family and friends. That is 100% truth! Thank you all!
So, what happened and how did I work through this? Well, I never should have shut down my tears on Friday night. I know that when I stuff my emotions like that they will just rear their ugly head later. I should have allowed myself to feel what I was feeling...sadness because Jeff isn't here for important nights like Senior night and State Competitions. My belief is that the best way to work through grief is to lean into the feelings and not try to block them. Whenever I block them, it takes longer to work through them when they spring up. So, what could have been a 10 minute thing on Friday night turned into the majority of a day on Sunday.
So, how did I work through it? Well, I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to feel all the feels. The loneliness, heartache, exhaustion, and deep sadness. While it's important to allow the feelings, it's also important to not let them consume you. At least, that is what I have learned for myself. So, at 4PM, I pulled myself together...freshened up, changed my clothes, and brushed my hair and teeth. Then I did what always makes me feel better. I spent time with my kids. We went out for some Mexican food and ate a lot of cheese dip. We laughed, talked, and just enjoyed time together. Oh, we also picked up some ice cream at Culver's which I'm about to eat.
Days like this happen. I expect them to, and I'm learning how to move through them. It's a process. It's not easy, but it is necessary if I want to live a good life with my kids. And let's be honest, Jeff would want me to live a good life with our kids. He would hate for me to be in bed, crying, and ignoring my responsibilities. And my goal is to continue to try to make him proud, just like I did while he was alive.
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