Goodness Gracious! I haven't written in a while, so I thought I would check in and share. Time just keeps moving right along, and I don't feel any closer to "normal". I feel different than I did months ago. The brain fog is still there, but it isn't as thick and heavy. The sadness is there, but I am able to focus on things that make me happy (my kids, family, friends, work, etc.) for longer stretches of time without the sadness overwhelming me. My depression is still there, but it is being helped with medication, which I had to increase. Oh, and I'm exhausted most of the time these days. Seriously, truly exhausted. It's like nothing I have experienced before. It is a little better since we changed my medication, but the littlest things still make me tired.
The reality is that I know I will never be "normal" again. At least not the old "normal". Nope, I have a new "normal." Not quite sure what that is yet because it is still evolving, but I have embraced that there is no going back to who I was.
Why? Because prior to December 6, 2018, if you had asked me who I was, I would have told you I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. Most of those things are still true. However, I'm no longer a wife, and that is huge. Honestly, I still feel like a wife. Jeff is my husband. He is gone, but he is still my husband. I am still his wife. We are a team that has been separated, but we will be reunited one day. For that I am extremely grateful. Without my faith, I would never make it through this. But even though I still feel married, I know that the world does not think of me that way. And this separation is really wearing on me. I just need my Jeffrey back.
The other day my daughter, Ali, came home around the time Jeff used to come home. I heard the garage door open, and for the briefest of seconds, I got excited. Then a wave of reality crashed into me again, and I just started bawling. He is never coming home again. I hate that! I need him. Does he know how badly I need him? Does he know that I miss him tremendously? Does he know that I miss his laugh and his hugs? I also miss him dancing around the house. Loved his moonwalk! I miss watching TV with him. I miss feeling safe because he was my protector...my rock...my man. I miss every thing about him. Even the fact that he never put his clothes in the hamper, rarely took his dirty dishes to the sink, and worked way too much. I miss his grumpiness. I could go one. I truly just miss everything about him!
His death has rocked me to my core. It has shaken my identity. Who am I without Jeff? I know that I am still a child of God. I know that He will help get me through this. Hopefully, as time keeps marching on, I begin to gain some clarity.
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