Grief takes you on a crazy journey. One that truly is different for everyone. And all too often you hear people say things like “Grief doesn’t get easier”, “Grief doesn’t get better, it just gets different”, "Time heals all wounds", or “You don’t get over it, you get through it.” I could list many other quotes. So, which quote is accurate? Well, I can’t answer that for anyone but myself. These sayings boil down to personal feelings on how you view your journey, and honestly, how you feel one day, could change the next. And that is absolutely okay.
For me, I would say that it has gotten easier. Please note that I did not say easy. There is absolutely nothing easy about losing the man you love and wanted to spend forever with. The man you took vows with in front of God and became one with. It's not easy moving forward without your protector, friend, father of your children. This journey will never be easy. But it is definitely easier, and I thank the good Lord for that!
You see, in the first few days, weeks, and even months the pain I felt was absolutely physical, mental and emotional, and it never let up during that time. I don't think I can actually explain what it was like, truly, but I will give it a try. To me it felt like I was repeatedly punched in the chest and kicked in the stomach. I felt physically in pain and yet mentally numb. I couldn’t see past Jeff’s death, and I couldn’t understand why the whole world was still moving about like normal. I remember feeling like I needed to put on a brave face for our kids, family, and friends, but inside, I felt like a turbulent volcano that was just about to erupt. I could hardly sleep. I paced around our house at night while my kids and mom slept. Even when I could sleep, I never slept deeply or felt rested.
As time passed, I eventually turned to sleeping pills to help stop the pacing and allow me to rest. The physical pains in my chest became less frequent, and the mental numbness and fog have gotten remarkably better. I still have occasional chest pains and foggy moments, but I no longer feel like I have to put on a brave face. Instead, I'm pretty open and honest about what I feel, and it's not all pretty. And while I still sometimes feel like a volcano that is going to erupt, it is much less often. Oh, and I am able to focus on things other than his death. For example, my kids, work, and I’m slowly becoming able to focus on reading books again.
I never could have kept living the way I did in those early days. So, does that mean that I feel time heals all wounds? For me the answer is no. I would never say that the loss of Jeffrey is something that I can be healed from. I will say that time has allowed me to adjust to this “new normal.” Time has helped me learn to process the magnitude of the situation. I could not comprehend this in the beginning, and I think that is why I felt numb, stunned, and yet ready to explode. You are just a contradiction of feelings. When something traumatic happens to you, you’re in a state of shock, and you can’t immediately adjust to or accept the changes that have happened. Time helps you do that, but I don’t look at that as healing. Maybe others would look at it that way. That’s why I say it really comes down to personal feelings, and maybe it comes down to semantics too. I’m learning that you can’t get too wrapped up in the specific words. You need to dig deeper than the words and truly get to the root of how someone is feeling.
For me, grief does get easier, but it is not easy. It does get different. Time does not heal the loss, but time does help me adjust to the loss. My belief is that grief doesn’t ever end. You don’t get over it, but with a lot of hard work, you can get through it. Grief absolutely does come in waves, and you can’t always anticipate when the wave will hit.
What are your thoughts based on grief you have experienced? Has time healed your wounds? Has your grief gotten easier? Is grief something you get over? I would love to hear how you view this unwelcome journey.
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