Be The Glue

I’ve seen this floating around Facebook lately.  Actually, it’s been floating around quite a bit, especially in grief groups.  If you’ve shared this, please don’t think I mean any disrespect with this post.  I don’t at all.  It’s just that it got me thinking, and I wanted to write out my thoughts and share.  It’s what I do lately.  😉

I don’t completely disagree with this statement.  It’s true that when someone important to the family, the glue so to speak, passes away, the holidays aren’t ever the same.  They can’t be exactly the same because someone is missing.  Oh, how I get that.  My Grandpa Havens and Grandma Havens passed away when I was in high school.  I was in 9th and 11th grades, respectively, when they passed.  It was hard to lose my grandpa, but it’s safe to say that my grandma was the glue in our family.  Holidays after she passed were definitely different. 

I suppose that my problem with this simple sentence isn’t in what it says, but in what it alludes to.  By saying “holidays just aren’t the same anymore...😞”, it just makes it seem as if they will never be good again.  As if before they were good, but now they never will be again.  Maybe you all don’t get that impression from it, but that is how it hits me.  Folks, let me tell you, I have absolutely had good holidays since 1990.  Oh, I’ve missed my grandparents greatly, and I will miss them until I see them again, but we can’t allow a person’s death to make the rest of our years here on Earth unhappy. 

The harsh reality of life is that everyone will die, and we never know when it will happen.  We know daily that death is a possibility, but yet, we are never ready to say goodbye.  We are humans with a lot of emotions, and letting go of loved ones doesn’t come naturally to us.  Nor should it come naturally or easy.  Losing someone you love is absolutely hard.  It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life.  And no matter if the death is due to old age, a bout with illness, or tragedy, it is never easy. Never. 

But while it isn’t easy, I don’t think God, or our loved ones that have passed, would want us to live unhappily for the rest of our remaining days here on Earth.  There are actually lots of Bible verses about mourning, loss, and needing comfort.  Here are a few that speak to met:

* Matthew 5:4~Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
*Psalm 147:3~He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
*John 16:22~Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.
*2 Corinthians 1:3-4~who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

God wants us to turn to Him in times of heartache and despair.  He will be there to comfort us.  Read that last verse I shared again.  God then wants us to take the comfort we have received from Him and share it with others.  Who better to share comfort with than your own family? 

My dad passed away in May of 2006.  Not quite 6 months later, I gave birth to sweet little Meghan Rose.  What if I had let my dad’s death cloud my life, and holidays, forever?  What if I had never viewed any of Meghan’s holidays as enjoyable because a facet of them had changed?  My father was definitely the glue for my mom and I, and his death has been very hard for both of us over the years.  However, I know for a fact that my dad would have wanted me to continue to have wonderful holidays with my family.  He loved my kids very much, yes even Meghan who he had only learned about and never met, and he wouldn’t want them to never have special holidays.  For him, I carried on.

During the course of our marriage, Jeff and I also lost his grandparents.  They were such wonderful people.  His grandfather was very funny, and his grandma had the sweetest heart, but she also had a some spunk.  They are greatly missed by everyone who loved them, and holidays were definitely different after they were gone.  I feel like our family was starting to find our footing in the way of holidays, and then we lost Jeffrey. 

Now, having lost Jeffrey just a year ago, and right before Christmas,  let me tell you that I understand that holidays aren’t always something you want to do.  I understand that to the depths of my core.  I can’t remember much about last Christmas.  I’m sure we ate ham, but I couldn’t tell you where I bought it at.  What gifts were given or received is foggy too.  Truthfully, most of our holidays have been different this year, and that is very normal.  That first year after a loss is always a struggle.  I have read that things tend to start getting better after a year, but there is not a magic timeline.  It really depends on each individual person. 

I have also lost enough people in my life at this point to understand that the holidays are ever changing.  They can change certainly because of death, but they can also change due to divorce, illness, or a myriad of other difficult, life altering situations.  I know many of you have experienced tough losses too.  If you have found that holidays are different because your glue is gone, I would encourage you to not give up.  When my grandparents died, my parents, aunts and uncles carried on the holiday traditions for my cousins and myself.  If they hadn’t, I, as one of the youngest in the family, would have really lost out on family bonding moments.  Not to mention the generations that were born into our family later.

When the family glue passes away, I challenge you to take what you have learned from them, and keep celebrating.  You celebrate the people who can no longer be there with you because they deserve to continue to be celebrated.  You celebrate the reason for whichever holiday is happening.  You celebrate every wonderful thing happening in your family...birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc.  Because life is worth celebrating!  And while you are celebrating, take that comfort that God gives you and share it with all whom you love.  If you are struggling to find comfort, spend time with your family and you just might find comfort.  It is my belief that the family that continues to celebrate together and comfort each other, will find some healing together.  Will it ever be exactly the same?  No,  probably not, but future generations will be grateful that you didn’t just let the family fall apart.  As a mom of three, I am looking forward to my future grand kids not just celebrating with me, but also with their parents’ grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Why?  Because I have found that next to God, family is the most important thing in the world.