Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Last night, I was listening to a couple of women talk about grief on a podcast.  They are two women from the group Grief Anonymous.  One of the women is a widow and the other is a mom who lost her infant son.  Both are terribly hard losses to have to endure.  They were talking about embracing your new authentic self.  They said a couple of things that resonated with me, and I wanted to share my thoughts.

The ladies stated that there is no shame in moving forward.  Survivors shouldn’t feel shame or guilt for learning to live a new life.  They said that we aren’t given a choice about these tragic events.  Clearly, if we had been given a choice, all of us would have chosen for our loved one to remain with us much longer.  That is a no brainer!  Right???  I know I would have chosen to keep Jeff with me until the day I die.  The problem is that wasn’t an option.

I have heard many grieving people, including myself, talk about survivor's guilt.  Some feel guilty simply because they are still here.  They feel guilty if they are out in public with friends and having a good time because their loved one can’t do that anymore.  Many have talked about the shoulda, woulda, couldas.  I have worked through most of my guilt, but it wasn’t easy.  I have felt guilty for having a good time with family and friends, and I also felt guilty for not realizing how unhappy/stressed that Jeff truly was.  I shoulda told him more often that I loved him and was here for him.  I felt guilty for not realizing that the last hug he gave me was actually a good-bye hug.  I wish I coulda seen in his eyes that morning just how badly things were going to go that day.  If I coulda, Lord knows I woulda stopped him in his tracks.  You know what though?  Shoulda, woulda, couldas don’t get you anywhere.  Doing that to yourself doesn’t solve a single thing.  It only causes more pain.  I can’t go back and get Jeff to see that he could tell me anything.  There is no reverse button on life.  I can’t just time travel back and show him just how much I care.   

Plus, I am pretty sure that he already knew all of that.  For the last couple weeks of Jeff’s life, he had been sick.  He even took off work to sleep, which was so unusual.  He rarely ever missed work.  I was so afraid he had pneumonia, and I couldn’t get him to go to the doctor.  I was such a worry wart that, one of the nights just days before he died, I actually slept on the couch to be near him as he slept in his chair.  I remember waking up to him coughing and asking him if he wanted a drink.  He smiled at me and told me that he had some water, and then he took a sip.  So, like I said, I am pretty sure he knew I would have done anything in my power to help him...physically, emotionally, spiritually.  But that is the problem.  Jeff made sure to not let me see what was really going on with him.  I would ask all the time how work was, but I now know that for years there was so much he didn’t tell me.  If I had known, I coulda...never mind.  That way of thinking is pointless.   

Another thing the ladies said was just a simple but profound question really.  They stated that grieving people needed to ask themselves if they are going to allow the loss of their loved one to define their life or refine their life?  I’ve said before that I don’t want Jeff’s death to define me.  I don’t want to simply be thought of as a widow.  I am more than that.  Most definitely I want the loss of him to refine me.  If you refine something, you make it better.  Who wouldn’t want to be better?  I want to move forward with Jeff and work to make my life, and the lives of those around me, better.  I want to take our love and the beautiful parts of the life we shared together and move forward finding and spreading joy.

What are your thoughts on these things?  Have you ever struggled with survivor’s guilt?  Has your brain done the woulda, shoulda, coulda thing?  Have you allowed the loss of a loved one to define you or refine you?  I’d love to hear from you!

Reflections

Happy New Year Everyone!  Every year, during the week between Christmas and New Year, I take time to just relax and reflect.  It’s a time for me to think about the past year, or many years, as well as the year(s) that is/are coming up.  I’m sure many of you do the same thing.  It seems like a natural thing to do. 

We’ve now entered into the year 2020.  The year of perfect vision.  Oh, if only we had the type of vision God has.  That would be perfect!  We would know exactly what we were supposed to do and how.  Although, I am sure there are many things we wouldn’t want to know, but you get what I’m saying.  It would just be nice to clearly see the path for our lives.

Since, I don’t have this type of vision, I reflect.  This past year was most definitely my hardest year so far in life.  Sure, December of 2018 is when my life changed forever, but honestly, prior to that 2018 wasn’t too bad.  Actually, up until the very moment I received the call about Jeffrey, I would have told you life was pretty wonderful.  So, yes, I can say that the end of 2018 was hard, but it was 2019 that really brought me to my knees...literally.  It is in 2019 where I had to learn how to survive the change that happened in 2018.

This is actually a weird year to look back on, and it is very hard to explain to someone.  Let’s try this.  Picture yourself on a walk in unknown woods.  There isn’t a pretty path that you are following.  You are just randomly walking through the trees that are tall and thick trying to find your way back out of the woods.  You don’t have a clue where you are, and it’s hard to see too far in front of you because your vision is blocked by trees.  You are frightened because you don’t know these woods, and you don’t know what animals lurk here.  That’s not all though.  Picture a dense fog.  It’s such a heavy fog that you can physically feel it.  The trees make it hard to see, but the fog makes it absolutely impossible.  You take steps forward, feeling your way around the woods.  You are positive that you are walking in circles.  However, after awhile, the fog starts to lift a little.  Actually, over the course of your journey, the fog slowly lifts until the point that it is finally gone, but that takes a very long time to happen.  Thankfully, you’ve become a little more familiar with the woods, and things are a little clearer.  You no longer fear the animals that could be hiding because you have encountered them and been okay.  But those tall trees and the lack of a clear path still make it hard, and you are still, most definitely, stuck in the woods. 

Yep, that sums up my 2019!  It was a long, treacherous walk.  I made many missteps.  I also learned a whole lot...about myself, my family and friends, and the world in general.  It is a year that brought me closer than ever to our Lord.  He and I are tight!  Our bond is unshakeable at this moment.  When you are walking through something hard, you need something solid.  Thankfully Psalm 18:2 tells me that God is my solid rock, my fortress, and my deliverer.  He is my strength and my shield.  So grateful to have Him in my life and to know that my husband resides with Him now.   

So, yes, 2019 was hard.  Being without Jeffrey has been difficult.  Truly, that is an understatement!  Learning to tackle things alone has been tough.  Here is the good news though.  I have done it, and while doing so, I have had many wonderful moments.  There has been wonderful memories made along the way with my children, my family and my friends.  I have reconnected with people that I hadn’t really spoken with in a long time.  And the best part is that I have realized that I am never really without Jeff.  He is still with me.  No, not physically, but he is still in my heart and mind, and I will continue to carry him there until I see him in Heaven and get to spend eternity with him. 

With all good reflecting, we look back and we also look forward.  I have seen many things that I do want to change.  I would like to get back into church.  I need that in my life.  I need to also be in the Word more, so I am going to make that happen. 

I also need to figure out a job.  I absolutely love my job as a secretary in the special education department.  However, being the sole provider of a family is a daunting task, and I can’t just go for what I enjoy.  I need to think about money.  Ugh!  I haven’t had to do that in over 20 years thanks to Jeff, and back then I didn’t have to care for anyone but myself.  If any of you have any suggestions for what I can do when I grow up, I would welcome them.  My degree is in elementary education.  I love kids, but I don’t know if teaching is where I should be.  I just keep praying.  I want God to lead me.  If he gives you any wisdom in this area, please share with me.

In 2019, I focused on surviving.  Thriving is where it is at for 2020.  Thriving is all about being healthy and successful.  I’m going to tackle the healthy part with continued counseling and GriefShare.  I’m also going to try to take better care of myself physically.  The successful part of thriving might look different for me than others.  Success in my eyes is having a strong group of family and friends around me.  So many have shown me support over this past year, and I want to work on reciprocating that support and kindness.  Success also means making the world more joyful.  So, I am going to be purposeful about spreading joy in our world.

My hope is that you all have a fabulous 2020.  I pray that this coming decade brings every single one of you peace and joy.

Christmas Is Over

Christmas is such a wonderful time.  A time of hope and joy.  A time of peace and comfort.  Even in my grief, I have been able to find ways to enjoy this season. 

Sometimes it is hard when Christmas is over though.  It's like there is this build up for a whole month, then December 25th arrives, and afterwards we are left with a what now feeling.  It's as if the world is just slightly less special.

I found a devotional from 2017 that touches on this.  I thought I would share with you all.  Hope you enjoy!  May you always remember that God is here with you.  Press into Him my friends!

~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~♥️~

A Prayer of Hope for When Christmas Is Over
By Debbie McDaniel

“…I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10



Often this day after Christmas can seem maybe, not so sparkly. You might be feeling like the holiday spirit came and went by too fast. Maybe you never did get everything done, but now that the big day is gone, you're already vowing to make next year even more special. Messy house calling your name, organization of it all begging for attention, returns waiting to be done, toys already broken, lights going out...

Deep breath.

His reminder to our hearts this morning: Christmas may be over, but He never changes.

Though some days seem to have lost their shine, He's still the same.

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

On all the big, celebration days and on all the days in between.

The manger is empty and so is the tomb. Jesus didn't stay there, He's alive today, our Emmanuel, "God with us."

Whatever you might be facing, don't ever doubt His great love for you. He sees you and He cares. He made a way for us to be free.And that truth puts all the joy and "Merry" in Christmas and the New Year too.

We still have such reason to celebrate, we still have great reason for joy, today, and every day.

For He is with us.

Resting there today. Hope you are too.

May His peace and joy fill your heart and home today, more than ever before. On this day after Christmas and through the whole New Year.

Dear God,

Fill us with your joy and the peace of your Spirit. Thank you for your reminder that both in seasons of celebration and in seasons of brokenness, you’re still with us. You never leave us. Thank you for your daily Presence in our lives, that we can be assured your heart is towards us, your eyes are over us, and your ears are open to our prayers. Thank you that your surround us with favor as with a shield, and we are safe in your care. We choose to press in close to you, in all these days after Christmas. Thank you for giving us this hope we can carry all year through.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

A Christmas Poem

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!  The waiting of advent is over.  I’ll readily admit that I am still working on my daily advent lessons.  Doing one a day was difficult, but I’m not giving up.  Sure, it is taking me a little longer than it should, but to be honest, I kind of figured this might happen.  Although I wasn’t always able to sit down daily and do the study, I was able to keep my focus on Jesus this holiday season.  Oh, I still enjoyed other holiday things like shopping, baking, and spending time with loved ones.  However, I kept Jesus with me through it all.  With my eyes focused on Him, I was able to walk in His peace and purpose.  My love for him is strong!  

I am an imperfect person.  If you know me at all, you know that.  I don’t hide who I am and pretend to be something I am not.  Honestly, I don’t do that because I couldn’t.  It would just be too much work to try to pretend to be someone else.  Thankfully, no matter how imperfect I am at times, I am loved by the perfect one.  You are too!  

Jesus came to this Earth as a baby to save all of us.  He didn’t come just for the sinless or perfect.  Why?  Because nobody is sinless and perfect.  Nobody!  He sent His son to save us all knowing every single sin that would ever be committed.  There is nothing you can do that will surprise God.  Knowing this and how much He loves me makes me want to follow Him more.  I hope it does the same for you!        

My hope is that everyone will be able to have a blessed Christmas day with family and friends.  If you are missing a loved one, know that they are always with you.  Until we see them again, they are in our hearts, in our memories, and guiding our lives with the wisdom they imparted on us while they were here.  I like to think that God allows their spirit to visit us too.  I pray that we will all be able to feel our loved one’s presence as we carry on cherished traditions and remember special moments shared with them.  Enjoy your Christmas!

If You Could See Me Now

Saw this poem at Hobby Lobby, and I absolutely love it.  I didn't buy it though.  I figured if I put that on my wall, I would just have to listen to my kids tease me more about making a shrine. 

I've said it before, and I will say it again.  I will never understand why Jeff isn't here.  It still doesn't make sense to my brain, and I don't think it ever really will.  I've just resigned to not understand, and I am learning to be okay with that.

Thankfully, while I may not understand that, I do fully have faith that he is in Heaven with our Savior.  I will allow Jesus to be my guide in life so that we will see each other again someday.

Takes My Breath Away

Grief is something that you learn to deal with.  It's just a part of who you are after awhile.  I can go about my day to day life smiling at strangers and trying to spread joy to others even though a part of me hurts.  I've learned to function with it walking along side me.  However, every once in awhile, it still surprises me.  Today was one of those days.  My mom and I were at Farm N Fleet, and my chest started to hurt.  I'm fairly used to that pain now.  I started remembering so much...being there with Jeff, buying him the trash can of peanuts for Christmas, his boots we always got there.  The tears started flowing.  I miss him so much, all the time, but it really does take my breath away still at times.  Grief is hard!

Love Has Won

My dear friend, Carrie, shared this song today.  It's beautiful!  Here are a few of the lyrics, but truly, you should take the 4 minutes to listen to it.  It really speaks to your soul!  Lord, thank you for conquering the grave! 

Sometimes it feels like it's hopeless
It's a war just to hang by a thread
Sometimes on this side of heaven
Oh, it just doesn't make sense

And that's why He gave us this family
With a promise that nothing can break
That one day we'll all be together
And the devil can't take that away

Oh, so don't be afraid
He's already conquered the grave
So sing

Hallelujah love has won
Hallelujah love has won
God is with us, thank You Jesus
Though the battle rages on
Hallelujah love has won

Walk Along Side Me

This is what I'm trying to do.  Being consumed is a horrible feeling.  It makes it hard to focus on anything else.  It sucks the joy out of the good things you still have.  I hate it! 

So, I am trying to learn to let my grief walk along side me by allowing Jeffrey and the memories we made to all be part of my life.  I'm also trying to accept what has happened, which really just means learning to accept that I will never understand. 

It seems to be working a little because I do feel less consumed, more at peace, and so very thankful for every second we had.

Clear The Clouds

It's hard after loss to celebrate because our loss clouds our vision.  That is completely normal.  However, Jesus is the Reason for the Season, and celebrating Him brings me joy.  Jeffrey, and many of my loved ones, are with the very reason we celebrate, and that brings me some comfort.  Sure, I'd rather they were all with me, but someday I will be with all of them...for eternity.  That means I'll be with them forever, and oh, that brings me an enormous amount of joy!  Until we are all together again, I will keep my eyes on my Lord.  Reading Psalm 16 today brought me some peace and focus which helped uncloud my vision.  Hugs to you all who are struggling this time of year.  No, it probably will not ever be the same again for many of us, but try to stay focused on God and the comfort He provides.

Be The Glue

I’ve seen this floating around Facebook lately.  Actually, it’s been floating around quite a bit, especially in grief groups.  If you’ve shared this, please don’t think I mean any disrespect with this post.  I don’t at all.  It’s just that it got me thinking, and I wanted to write out my thoughts and share.  It’s what I do lately.  😉

I don’t completely disagree with this statement.  It’s true that when someone important to the family, the glue so to speak, passes away, the holidays aren’t ever the same.  They can’t be exactly the same because someone is missing.  Oh, how I get that.  My Grandpa Havens and Grandma Havens passed away when I was in high school.  I was in 9th and 11th grades, respectively, when they passed.  It was hard to lose my grandpa, but it’s safe to say that my grandma was the glue in our family.  Holidays after she passed were definitely different. 

I suppose that my problem with this simple sentence isn’t in what it says, but in what it alludes to.  By saying “holidays just aren’t the same anymore...😞”, it just makes it seem as if they will never be good again.  As if before they were good, but now they never will be again.  Maybe you all don’t get that impression from it, but that is how it hits me.  Folks, let me tell you, I have absolutely had good holidays since 1990.  Oh, I’ve missed my grandparents greatly, and I will miss them until I see them again, but we can’t allow a person’s death to make the rest of our years here on Earth unhappy. 

The harsh reality of life is that everyone will die, and we never know when it will happen.  We know daily that death is a possibility, but yet, we are never ready to say goodbye.  We are humans with a lot of emotions, and letting go of loved ones doesn’t come naturally to us.  Nor should it come naturally or easy.  Losing someone you love is absolutely hard.  It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life.  And no matter if the death is due to old age, a bout with illness, or tragedy, it is never easy. Never. 

But while it isn’t easy, I don’t think God, or our loved ones that have passed, would want us to live unhappily for the rest of our remaining days here on Earth.  There are actually lots of Bible verses about mourning, loss, and needing comfort.  Here are a few that speak to met:

* Matthew 5:4~Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
*Psalm 147:3~He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
*John 16:22~Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.
*2 Corinthians 1:3-4~who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

God wants us to turn to Him in times of heartache and despair.  He will be there to comfort us.  Read that last verse I shared again.  God then wants us to take the comfort we have received from Him and share it with others.  Who better to share comfort with than your own family? 

My dad passed away in May of 2006.  Not quite 6 months later, I gave birth to sweet little Meghan Rose.  What if I had let my dad’s death cloud my life, and holidays, forever?  What if I had never viewed any of Meghan’s holidays as enjoyable because a facet of them had changed?  My father was definitely the glue for my mom and I, and his death has been very hard for both of us over the years.  However, I know for a fact that my dad would have wanted me to continue to have wonderful holidays with my family.  He loved my kids very much, yes even Meghan who he had only learned about and never met, and he wouldn’t want them to never have special holidays.  For him, I carried on.

During the course of our marriage, Jeff and I also lost his grandparents.  They were such wonderful people.  His grandfather was very funny, and his grandma had the sweetest heart, but she also had a some spunk.  They are greatly missed by everyone who loved them, and holidays were definitely different after they were gone.  I feel like our family was starting to find our footing in the way of holidays, and then we lost Jeffrey. 

Now, having lost Jeffrey just a year ago, and right before Christmas,  let me tell you that I understand that holidays aren’t always something you want to do.  I understand that to the depths of my core.  I can’t remember much about last Christmas.  I’m sure we ate ham, but I couldn’t tell you where I bought it at.  What gifts were given or received is foggy too.  Truthfully, most of our holidays have been different this year, and that is very normal.  That first year after a loss is always a struggle.  I have read that things tend to start getting better after a year, but there is not a magic timeline.  It really depends on each individual person. 

I have also lost enough people in my life at this point to understand that the holidays are ever changing.  They can change certainly because of death, but they can also change due to divorce, illness, or a myriad of other difficult, life altering situations.  I know many of you have experienced tough losses too.  If you have found that holidays are different because your glue is gone, I would encourage you to not give up.  When my grandparents died, my parents, aunts and uncles carried on the holiday traditions for my cousins and myself.  If they hadn’t, I, as one of the youngest in the family, would have really lost out on family bonding moments.  Not to mention the generations that were born into our family later.

When the family glue passes away, I challenge you to take what you have learned from them, and keep celebrating.  You celebrate the people who can no longer be there with you because they deserve to continue to be celebrated.  You celebrate the reason for whichever holiday is happening.  You celebrate every wonderful thing happening in your family...birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc.  Because life is worth celebrating!  And while you are celebrating, take that comfort that God gives you and share it with all whom you love.  If you are struggling to find comfort, spend time with your family and you just might find comfort.  It is my belief that the family that continues to celebrate together and comfort each other, will find some healing together.  Will it ever be exactly the same?  No,  probably not, but future generations will be grateful that you didn’t just let the family fall apart.  As a mom of three, I am looking forward to my future grand kids not just celebrating with me, but also with their parents’ grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Why?  Because I have found that next to God, family is the most important thing in the world.

Still Pondering

Yesterday I posted the ‘One Minute After a Believer Dies’.  Digging into these verses and truths really got me thinking.  My thoughts seemed to keep drifting to how we will see our loved ones again (Praise the Lord!), and the fact that they are “to some degree” aware of activities and events here on Earth. 

I have always wanted to make the people that I love proud.  This includes God.  I’m a rule follower, and I don’t like to disappoint people.  Jeff used to say to me “You stand up so straight you’re going to fall over backwards”, and then he would chuckle.  He loved to poke fun.  Really, he was just a funny guy.  Anyway,  I’m sure many of you feel the same way about wanting to make people proud.  It’s pretty normal.  What I am learning is that this desire doesn’t just end when a person dies.  With Jeff, I want him to be very proud of the way I continued to raise our kids and that I worked hard to figure out how to support them.  Those three monkeys mattered so much to him!  I think it is safe to say that they were absolutely the most important people to him.

My goal is for him to be proud of the way I continued to live my life even after he was gone.  I want him to be proud of the way I treated our family and friends that he loved.  Can't really explain it other than to say I just want him to be proud of everything! 

The whole "to some degree" part is not clear, and I don't think there is a way to know for sure.  I don’t know what people in Heaven can see or what they will know, but it really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I WILL see him again.  When I do see him, I not only want him to be proud of me, but I want to be proud of myself.  And above all, I want God to be proud of me.

Nothing earth shattering changes with these thoughts.  It just reiterates that I need to keep on doing what I am doing.  Keep living my life the way I was living it while Jeff was here.  I need to continue to grow my relationship with God.  I can actually hear Jeff right now saying, “Keep on keeping on!”  Love him so much, and whenever I see him again, I am going to give him the biggest hug ever.

Digging Into Scripture

This was shared at GriefShare not that long ago, and Jeff’s sister, Abby, read it at the cemetery for all of us the other day.  It’s comforting, and I wanted to dig in, read the scriptures, and ponder them for myself.  If you have any thoughts on these 6 statements, I would love to hear them.  I know none of us are Bible Scholars, at least I don’t think I have any in this group, but it’s good to ponder the Word and discuss his Truths with each other. 

**Angels usher your soul to Heaven.**

Luke 16:22 says, “Finally, the poor man died and was carried by the angels to sit beside Abraham at the heavenly banquet. The rich man also died and was buried,”

This verse is from the Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus.  This parable warns against heartlessness and selfishness.  Lazarus was carried by the angels to Heaven, but the rich man was buried and went to the place of the dead (Hell).  His sin wasn’t that he had money.  His sin was that he didn’t share and help others who were in need.  Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary says “Christ shows, that a man may have a great deal of the wealth, pomp, and pleasure of this world, yet perish for ever under God's wrath and curse. The sin of this rich man was his providing for himself only.”  I’m so thankful that Jeff was a generous man with a big heart.  He was frugal, and he didn’t love to spend money, but he was still generous with what he had.  And he most definitely was not heartless!

**You immediately enter God’s presence.**

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 says, “So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.”

So, while we are here on Earth in our bodies, we are away from the Lord.  When we shed our bodies, we are with the Lord.  Love that!  Love knowing that it is immediate. 

**You are conscious, in command of your thinking, feeling, speech, and memories.**

Luke 16:19-31 says, “Jesus said, “There was a certain rich man who was splendidly clothed in purple and fine linen and who lived each day in luxury. At his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus who was covered with sores. As Lazarus lay there longing for scraps from the rich man’s table, the dogs would come and lick his open sores.  “Finally, the poor man died and was carried by the angels to sit beside Abraham at the heavenly banquet. The rich man also died and was buried, and he went to the place of the dead. There, in torment, he saw Abraham in the far distance with Lazarus at his side.  “The rich man shouted, ‘Father Abraham, have some pity! Send Lazarus over here to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue. I am in anguish in these flames.’  “But Abraham said to him, ‘Son, remember that during your lifetime you had everything you wanted, and Lazarus had nothing. So now he is here being comforted, and you are in anguish. And besides, there is a great chasm separating us. No one can cross over to you from here, and no one can cross over to us from there.’  “Then the rich man said, ‘Please, Father Abraham, at least send him to my father’s home. For I have five brothers, and I want him to warn them so they don’t end up in this place of torment.’  “But Abraham said, ‘Moses and the prophets have warned them. Your brothers can read what they wrote.’  “The rich man replied, ‘No, Father Abraham! But if someone is sent to them from the dead, then they will repent of their sins and turn to God.’  “But Abraham said, ‘If they won’t listen to Moses and the prophets, they won’t be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead.’”

As you can see, we are back at the Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus.  This parable is such a heavy warning.  Like I said earlier, I am thankful that Jeff was kind and giving.  Reading this though is a huge reminder to me.  I need to be sure that I am being kind and giving of what I have.  That doesn’t always need to be money in my opinion.  Obviously, this parable is touching on money.  Quite honestly, I don’t have much money at this point in my life, and that is okay.  I have many other resources that I can give...time, energy, skills, a listening ear.  I am going to sincerely make an effort to be more aware of my behaviors because, let’s be honest, when I leave my body and become conscious, I want to find myself in Heaven.

**You participate in magnificent worship with angels and believers before the throne of God and Christ.**

Revelation 4-5---I really wanted to put all of the scriptures down, but these two chapters are a little long.  Please, if you want to read them for yourself, click right here.

While reading these two chapters, I was able to sort of envision what it must have been like for those I love that have gone to Heaven.  I doubt these two chapters even do justice to what it will be like for us.  Magnificent indeed!

**You are aware to some degree of activities and events on Earth.**

Revelation 6:9-10 says, “When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the witness they had borne. They cried out with a loud voice, “O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?”

Yes, this verse does show that they are aware, but I think the key word is “to some degree.”  I’m no Bible scholar.  I don’t even play one on TV.  But seriously, I think the Bible doesn’t fully explain Heaven much, including what those there know or don’t know, because we here on Earth will never be able to wrap our minds around the truth.  I think our brains are just too limited, too bound to Earth because we haven’t shed our bodies, to ever fully understand Heaven. 

**You will recognize and communicate with believers who preceded you to Heaven.**

Luke 9:28-36 says, “Now about eight days after these sayings he took with him Peter and John and James and went up on the mountain to pray. And as he was praying, the appearance of his face was altered, and his clothing became dazzling white. And behold, two men were talking with him, Moses and Elijah, who appeared in glory and spoke of his departure, which he was about to accomplish at Jerusalem. Now Peter and those who were with him were heavy with sleep, but when they became fully awake they saw his glory and the two men who stood with him. And as the men were parting from him, Peter said to Jesus, “Master, it is good that we are here. Let us make three tents, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah”—not knowing what he said. As he was saying these things, a cloud came and overshadowed them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. And a voice came out of the cloud, saying, “This is my Son, my Chosen One; listen to him!” And when the voice had spoken, Jesus was found alone. And they kept silent and told no one in those days anything of what they had seen.”

I love that we will recognize and talk with those who went to Heaven before us.  I like to think that when Jeff entered Heaven it wasn’t long before he was greeted by his grandfathers, grandmothers, other family members, my father, and my family that knew him and loved him.

31,536,000 Tiny Seconds of Time

It is hard for me to believe that as of yesterday one year has gone by since I looked into Jeff’s rich brown eyes, felt his strong arms around me, or had a conversation with him where he actually answered back.  One year. 

One year is made up of:
31,536,000 tiny seconds of time
525,600 short minutes
8760 quick hours
365 long days
12 lengthy months

The seconds, minutes and hours go by fairly quickly.  Well, not at first.  When Jeff first died, it was as if time was standing still, but the rest of the world seemed unaffected.  They still bustled about.  Oh, but the days and months are long.  Put them all together, and it is an agonizing amount of time to be without the man you love.  The man you called husband, and he called wife.  The man you became one with, had three children with, and wanted to spend forever with. 

Here are some thoughts I have as I reflect on my time with Jeffrey, this past year, and my future.  I apologize that these thoughts are sort of rambling and not neatly laid out.  It’s how my mind works right now.

I was blessed to be able to make memories for the last 20 years with Jeffrey.  I was grateful to have him in my everyday life during that time.  He was, and is, my forever.  I don’t understand why he had to go to Heaven so soon.  He always told me that he would go first, but he would reference the heart problems in his family.  I still thought we had a good 20 more years to be together...at least.  I know that I absolutely loved him with all of my heart.  I know that I worked hard at our marriage.  I was faithful, loyal, and I worked hard to make him happy.  When I say I worked hard, what I mean is that I actively worked to understand a very complex man.  I knew he loved when I took care of our kids, our home, cooked meals, and did all that typical housewife stuff.  That wasn’t hard for me.  I enjoyed pleasing him that way.  But as I said, he was complex.  I worked to understand him.  What I learned is that I married a man who didn’t quite fit into this fast-paced, commercialized, money hungry world that we live in.  He may have been complex, but that was because at the root of him was a man who was really very simple.  I often said that he was born 100 years too late, but I was glad he was.  He felt most at peace in the woods.  He loved to hunt and fish.  In our early years of marriage, with three young kids, I understandably wanted him home to help.  As time went on, I understood that he needed his time in nature.  It is how he recharged and felt centered and right with God.  If it made him happy, that made me happy.  We quit butting heads about his time away from the family, and in turn our marriage became stronger. When he first passed, I worried that he didn’t know how much I loved him, but as time went on God worked in me to realize he absolutely did.  I showed it often, and in many different ways.  Jeff was a profoundly smart man who wouldn’t have missed these facts.

I absolutely don’t doubt that Jeffrey loved me.  He didn’t love to open up and share his feelings.  Communication on a deep level wasn’t his thing.  It was hard for him.  He was a manly man through and through.  He showed his love in many practical ways.  He worked hard for his family, and he provided well for us.  When we were walking down the road, he wouldn’t let me walk on the side by the road.  He was protective that way.  He would often open my car door for me, even after so many years of marriage.  He was a gentleman.  When he came home, he didn’t unload about his day.  Now, in the beginning. I wanted him to share.  I would ask questions, and try to get him to open up.  But home was his safe space.  The space where he walked in happy, often smiling and doing a little dance, and just enjoyed being with his people.  Looking back, I wish I would have pushed more for details of what was going on in his life at work, but I know deep in my heart he wouldn’t have shared.  I know this because I tried often to get him to share. 

I am absolutely at peace with the time Jeff and I shared together.  I am thankful for all the memories that we made together.  I know I will play them over and over in my mind a million times until I see him again.  I am thankful that we worked hard to stay married.  Yes, marriage is work, and we worked at it.  We were each others forever.

But sometimes forever doesn’t look like you expect it to or like you thought it would look.  I saw that with my mom and dad, but this past year has really made it sink in on a personal level.  On the morning of December 6, 2018, my husband was playful.  He gave me a huge, lengthy hug.  I went to work a very happy women.  All was right in my world...until it wasn’t.  I have worked hard this past year at this grief process.  I have tried to sort things out in my heart and mind, tried to make peace with things, and I have just tried to figure out life in general.  The main thing I have learned is that I loved Jeffrey dearly, I still love him, and I will forever love him.  Death does not take the love away, but it does change it. 

I have had to work on acceptance of different things over this past year, but one of the big ones is that I had to work to accept is that grief is a forever thing.  Not a day will go by where I don’t think about Jeff.  As I have learned to accept this, I have learned something beautiful.  Jeffrey will always be with me.  No, not in the way I wanted, but it is still nice to know that I haven’t really lost him.  He visits me in my dreams.  Some of those dreams are just dreams, but some, I truly believe, are visits.  I talk to him often still.  Honestly, probably more now than before.  I am just sure he can hear me.  He’s probably laughing at me because I am such a talker and he isn’t. I feel his presence like a warm, comforting blanket most days, and because of this, I am forever grateful.

This past year has been hard.  Truly, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  I know that those of us who loved Jeff, and there are many, have suffered greatly.  There will be an end to this suffering someday though.  We will see him again.  Praise the Lord for that!  Because of this, I have devoted more of myself and my life to God again.  Don’t misunderstand me, God and I were good before Jeff’s death.  However, now I have my eyes more firmly placed on Him.  I think that naturally happens to people who have treasures in Heaven. 

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but there are some things that I do know.  I know that wherever the future takes me, I will walk forward with Jeff by my side.  I will constantly strive to please both God and Jeff.  Not as if they are equal, or as if Jeff is an idol, but I will strive to please God, my father, and Jeff, my husband.  I will honor them both.  While many don’t view widows as married, I still view myself as married.  I know I went through an angry phase where I felt like Jeff abandoned me, but counseling and GriefShare helped me work through that.  As I worked through that, I realized married is how I feel, and likely will for a long time...maybe forever.  I think many widows feel that way.  (Sidenote--I still dislike that word...widow.  Don’t think I will ever get used to it.)  My goal is to raise our children the way we planned and carry on his memory and traditions with our future grandchildren.  What could be more honoring than that?       

There you have my ramblings and reflections as one year has come and gone.  He is forever missed, always loved, and never far from my thoughts.  Thank you for letting me share my journey with you all.  It helps me process and makes me feel less alone.  You all are such a blessing!